Another year has gone by...

Today marks the third anniversary of Jolene's passing away. I have many feelings and thoughts as I reflect on what transpired that day.
First and foremost I still miss her terribly, and I don't' think that will change. When you love someone that intensely for all your life, it truly leaves an impression on your soul. I miss so many things, of course the big things, but mainly the sweet and simple things that made up our relationship.
I loved how Jo was my personal cheerleader, and always trying to pick me up when I felt knocked down in some way. I miss her infectious laugh that was loud and obnoxious, yet Jolene never cared if people would stare! She never let others dictate her happiness and how she expressed it. I miss how when she would hug me she would bury her head into my neck and blow, and then say "I see ya!" in a very sensual voice. She loved to make me uncomfortable! I miss how she would dance in any public place like Walmart or Deseret Book, and I am not talking silly dancing, I mean full on body bustin moves (any one who knew her knows that girl could dance)! Most of all I miss her telling me she loved me out of the blue, even when the moment didn't fit. She said it when she felt it, and didn't waste a moment wondering if it would be awkward saying it then.

This is definitely the hardest day of the year for me. It takes me back so vividly to three years ago when I felt her spirit slip from her tired body. One moment from that day that especially stands out to me is when we finally left the hospital after she had passed. We walked out of the hospital into the outside world, and I saw people walking and talking with one another, people driving, and walking right past me, and I remember being dumbfounded that the world continued on, that time hadn't stopped. It was unthinkable to me that no one had any idea I had just lost my little sister, and that my life would never quite be the same. It also occurred to me, how many times had I walked past someone after they had a life shattering moment. It was such and interesting moment, and until you go through it I think it is hard to imagine such unusual feelings.
My heart doesn't feel only pain and sorrow on this day, yet, it feels a high degree of thankfulness. I am so thankful to know through the gospel of Jesus Christ, that I will be reunited with her again one day. I am beyond grateful that she no longer is in pain and struggling to breathe. Also, I am very thankful for family and friends that have supported and shown me love during these trying years. My greatest source of strength is the Savior. I truly would be lost without Him. Through his atoning sacrifice he not only paid the price of my sins, but he took upon him my sorrows, in such that He might empathize with me during my darkest hours. After Jolene left this life I have felt my Saviors love for me when I felt lost. There were times during this grieving process, that I felt He was literally carrying me spiritually, when I could no longer.
Jolene, my sweet baby sister, you are a complete inspiration to me, not because you suffered, but how through the suffering you still looked for the beautiful things in life. I never once heard you ask Heavenly Father why you had been asked to carry such a burden, but I did hear you pray for how intensely you loved your Father in Heaven. I know that He has a plan for you, and I know He has one for me too. I know we are not forgotten by Him, and that Heavenly Fathers plan is perfect, we just can't see it from His exalted and perfect perspective. I trust in Him emphatically, and know that at times this road will be painful, but with the Savior on my side, I can overcome anything. I love you Jo-Jo, and hope to see you in my dreams.

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